A short story from
Arwens Centre of Balance
A creative compilation of two life events… based on the advice I would give younger self if I had the chance.
Dying to Awaken
A STORY FROM BEYOND THE VEIL
WHEN LIFE TAKES YOU TO DEATH
AND BACK AGAIN
What would you say to younger self… if you ever had the chance?
My Headphones are in… A classical piano and violin cover of “Nirvana’s smells like teen spirit “ blasting louder than my engine… I am here… I am now… yet far from a teenager, I am 33 years old, a mother of two and a woman who has along the way lost sight of her path.
The pounding of my Heart, Thrumming through every fibre of my being, as I regulate my breath, breathing deeply, slowly and completely focused on the present moment.
Had I known my addiction to speed and adrenaline was a way of pulling myself into the now and truly feeling. Things may have turned out differently… I am not yet aware and constantly being pushed and pushing towards consciousness.
My bike… My passion? Or an obsession with taking risks that could lead me on a journey beyond the veil…Again.
I bank “Pearl” my Ducati 696 Race kit modified Monster into the bends of a tar sealed bush track I have nicknamed “The TT track” I have long been obsessed with high speeds and the most dangerous road race in the world “The Isle of Man”
The trees a green blur, potholes in the road no more than a bump as I exceed speeds of 180km per hour…The thrill… The excitement… The sheer focus and presence…Time moving as if in slow motion.
Then it happens…a car… I take the right side of the road and hit a massive pot hole, hurtling through the air in what feels like time warped slow motion, adrenaline flooding my system, my cognitive function so fast that I notice every moment, the air on my skin, sparks flying off my bike as she slides…. the sound…the ground coming up fast yet slow and I notice every grain of the blue metal road as I reach impact point… here it comes, the end of my life.
‘Crunch’ as I impact, the sound is mind blowing, bone shattering intensity as my body flips up into the air, I stay relaxed as my father taught me how to take impact… and all I can think is “I forgot to sort out my life insurance for my children”…. Then “here it comes again.
Impact after impact, again and again…. crunch…crunch…crunch….
My life flashing before my eyes as I instinctively curl my head in, rolling into each upcoming body to road smash….. how did I get here.
There is no pain, there is only now…. right here and now.
Within the blink of an eye , I am rising up above my body, in a state of grace, nothing…everything, a shimmering golden light.
I look down as the car drives off, leaving my body sprawled across the road and my bike in a ditch about 250 mtrs from my initial impact point…No judgment, I simply am above self like awareness without a physical vessel.
A darkness falls and I am shifting through a time line, as though I know my way back to a time where my body lay collapsed upon a dirt track in north western NSW, 17 years old and stranded after walking for days trying to get home to my parents… but somewhere after hitting a mob of goats and my Ute being stuck in a ditch, I had taken a wrong path… the rains came and no cars have passed in days… I remember the cold of night… the chilling to my bones until my limbs could no longer work, drinking from mud puddles that made me quite unwell.
I look down at younger self and then I hear them, the mob of wild pigs.
From beyond the veil, I am pushing my intention through the barriers “ Arwen…Arwen…Arwen… You must get up and fight, the pigs are coming.
17 year old Arwen’s Chest does one last rise and fall. As she lifts up and out of her body, then here we are, one and the same although in two different stages, together for a moment beyond the veil.
Younger self and I in the form of golden energy, shimmer to shimmer in the darkened cold night. We look down at our younger body as a glimmering thick frost begins to set upen the physical forms skin, sparkling in the moonlight.
I turn to 17 year old me and say “Come , let’s lay on the grass in the sunlight and have a chat”
Its simply like thought, then opening our eyes, looking in awe at how beautiful we truly are, a simple state of knowing…In human form we lay face to face upon a rich green field, with the sun on our skin.
Are we alive….I think not, we are somewhere in between.
My heart aches at the awareness of the tumultuous path before younger self (little am I aware of what awaits for us as I return…the hardest emotional trials of my life are yet to begin)
Simultaniously internal rejoicing of the strengths that shall be gained, wishing this young woman, wishing I was aware of our capabilities and our worth…no longer restricted by the human perception of limits..
As I lay gazing at the innocent young woman. It catches my attention that she never knew, she could never understand why she felt everything so much, she couldn’t fathom her power and beauty after a lifetime of being ignored and squashed…stuck within a cycle of feeling odd, outcasted and worth nothing more than cleaning toilets and working in shearing sheds in order to put food on the table…reflecting also on current self still feeling the same and stuck in the coal mines.
Oh what an opportunity to empower her future path.
”Why are you here…I mean we here?” she asks
“I am here to give you the gift of knowing your worth” I reply.
You are on a Journey, we are one. I’ve know you long before now and I’ll know you long after we dissolve into the æther. I have come from beyond the veil…I am you and you are me…we are one with everything and all that is. There are no separations in this realm.
Your addictions Arwen, Your search for continual adrenaline, it comes from a desire to awaken yet without the knowing you keep trying to dull the pain..a mask for the pains of not being truly accepted or seen…they are unnecessary my love and only hinder the process.
All you need to do is breathe, become fully present within each moment of life. Knowing that we are all connected with all that is. The separations are caused by human minds, greed and prejudices…these things are false. No matter how convincing the fakers and haters are around you, they in fact do not know better, and at times even those who love you are also held back by their own fears and may attempt to hold you back also.
Never allow others to damage your self worth and be aware of those who disrespect your mind, body, heart and soul… they may come as lessons but there is no need for you to endure this suffering once you awaken.
You have always been a fighter, yet rage not my sweet girl,the anger serves no purpose that way…allow the anger to motivate great change…and motivate others.
The fear… my god the fear…you have long been brave but why must you challenge fear like it’s a wild beast you wish to defeat. Stepping through fear to rise is one thing but remember you must always come back to love, or else ego may devour you here.
With a look of searching and pain upon her face , 17 year old Arwen says to me
” I feel all alone in this world, like I have no one and my heart feels like it is constantly tearing apart in my chest, like it is breaking. How do I survive this pain, why do people treat me like I am less than…I simply don’t want to feel anymore”
Placing my hand upon her heart and looking deeply into her eyes I say “don’t you see what a blessing this is, your heart is not breaking, it is opening!”
You are the creator of your own reality, if only you choose to move beyond this fear and doubt.
Practice being present, breathe deeply into you belly everyday, become aware of your thoughts and choose the ones that serve you well.
Remain humble always, but don’t confuse humility with a constant bending of your knee, remain strong and set you boundaries, protecting your self worth like it is a precious gift. Take care of your body, it is your temple.
Allow your true self to come to the surface, the limits imposed upon you by society are naught but an illusion…you…we… are all far more than what the system has led you to believe…. we are capable of anything.
Be aware that not everyone in the world has a good heart and hard times are coming your way, I know, because I’ve been there.
Yet you will rise above anger, judgment and heinous crimes committed against your body and soul… you will always have a way of letting go and moving on…this is a super power. You are strong, fair and filled to the brim with unconditional love.
Your addictive tendencies are a gift…A wholeheartedness of sorts. Channel them into you work, your sport and training… channel your obsessive qualities into what you love and what brings great joy, this way you will thrive rather than self destruct….become obsessed with living!
The silence… the power of the pause… I know this will take time to sink in, And I am feeling the magnetic pull of my heart back to our physical bodies.
It is time to go back…we have a choice to make.
As soon as thought, we are there, floating above our 17 year old self…I see her energy being drawn back down into her physical form, a gasp of air as life and consciousness flows back in, we had been gone only a moment, yet it felt like hours, there is no concept of time beyond the veil.
A pack of wild pigs are upon her and I see her stiff limbs kick out an she instantly jumps to her feet in a burst of life as she begins to run, I remember to well the pain of the first stages of frostbite on her fingers and toes and how hard it felt to move, cold and stiff… searching for a tree to climb in order to escape the pigs…. there are no trees…only shrubs.
I see the courage take hold as she turns to fight… Her innate fierceness and wild nature driven to the surface in order to survive, a huge roar reverberating through her entire being as she lunges towards the pack of wild Razorback pigs, with enough force and pure determined will to make them baulk and send them scattering in the opposite direction… they too are simply animals of nature… and she behaved bigger and fiercer than they!
My job here is done, she will always prevail….I always have!
Then I hear it again, for the fourth time in my life, that static sound like I am plugged into some kind of radio frequency… and I know… I going back to my body… my heart pulls me in and whoooooosh.
Just like that, my eyes open.
There is a woman standing over me, she is frantic, in a real state of distress.
With pain like I can’t believe running through my hands and arms , I take off my helmet and say “ are you ok?…calm down…breathe… it is going to be ok… I think you should sit down. I’m ok see…. but I do think I’ve broken my hands”
I have little chuckle… and she promptly bursts into tears…. standing there trembling… I get up and hold the shuddering and sobbing woman… and all of a sudden, I know what I’m here to do!
Then I whisper to her, “I hope you haven’t called the cops…. my bike isn’t insured”
My super power is remaining balanced when most needed